How to start children in programs away from home: The Grandmothers Parenthood Ideas

How to start children in programs away from home: The Grandmothers

July 30, 2010 – 9:13 pm

Short, planned visits by one or both parents to the school or day care center during the early “settling-in” time may help a child calm down during stressful drop-offs. Share By The Grandmothers

“But I want to go back home with youuu!” your child wails as you take her to the preschool or child care center. “But look at all the toys,” you plead, “And there are lots of other children to play with here. Your teacher will help you learn all sorts of new things.” But the tears continue to flow.

It’s that time. It’s the time when you are about to leave your child in the care of others and you are actually just as close to tears as she is.

When parents give over the care of their children to a teacher or child care giver no matter how attractive the facility, it is an emotionally difficult time for all

One approach

Many believe that the best way to handle this difficult time for the child is to encourage her to “forget” Mommy or Daddy while there, thinking that “out of sight is out of mind.” Children asked to “sit on” missing feelings often react in a variety of negative ways: they may become hysterical, not able to be comforted — they may become out of control or destructive with other children and materials –they may refuse to speak and be non-responsive — they may become compliant and keep themselves looking busy, but never really become invested and involved.

A better approach

In other schools or centers, the teachers and caregivers know that asking young children to give up thinking about their parents is like asking them to give up a piece of themselves. They help the child keep those closest to her consciously in mind to serve as a source of strength and comfort even when they are not with her.

Dr. Kate Eshleman, a child psychologist at Cleveland Clinic, discusses the best way to approach day care drop off. “You want to make sure that you are not standing around and trying to reassure the child. Most of the time kids get their cues from how parents behave, so if the child thinks that your OK with it, he or she is going to be more OK with it,” Eshleman says.

These programs make sure that they have arranged for parents and children to visit the classroom and meet the teacher(s) before the child actually begins attending.

Reassurances

After you and your child visit this new “home away from home,” find a quiet moment to recall some of the things you saw and did on your visit. Let her know that you know part of her wants to go and try out these new things, but that part of her might be afraid she’d miss Mom, Dad and home too much.

Tell her that you’ll miss her, too and that you’ll think of her often when you’re at work or at home — that you’ll think of her doing the things you two did together, You can tell her that you’ll make a plan with the teacher about some things she can do for herself at school when being there feels hard.

Suggestions to share with the teacher:

• Suggest that your child select a picture of Dad, Mom and her together that she could keep in her cubby at school. During times of missing feelings, she can use the picture to comfort herself and be reminded that Mommy and Daddy are missing her, too.

• Along with a picture, could be a short note (perhaps a new one every few days), telling her how proud Mom and Dad will be when they hear about all of the things she did at school that day and that they are thinking of her. Teachers can use these notes when the child’s missing feelings cause her to have problems participating.

• Sometimes the very young child can use some more concrete items from parents as reminders of their love. Just knowing that Mom’s or Dad’s handkerchief, old billfold, scarf, old piece of jewelry, etc., is in her backpack or cubby to be checked on or touched occasionally (not played with), can be a tangible comfort, a security blanket. And if there is an actual “blankie,” that could help, too. Infants and toddlers often prefer an unwashed T-shirt of Mom’s because the intimate scent is a more connecting reminder of her.

• Short, planned visits by one or both parents to the school or center during the early “settling-in” time may be very helpful; it could be that the visit would be having lunch with her or doing an activity with her. Doing these things with her puts Mom’s or Dad’s “seal of approval” on their child’s new world.

• If there is a phone available to the classroom, in a case of a particularly difficult separation, a planned phone call can ease the anxious feelings. This should be talked over and planned with the teacher ahead of time.

• Initially, the sound of a parent’s voice on the phone may cause tears and that’s OK. This is part of the process of being able to have huge missing feelings and, with help, realize they can be managed. Soon the child will “be too busy with my friends,” to answer the phone when Dad or Mom calls.

Discussing the day

When parents talk over the child’s day, they can make a plan for what the child can do the next time she feels lonely, angry, sad or frustrated. You can preface the plan by saying, “If that happens again you can tell yourself what Mommy or Daddy would do or say if they were there–then you’ll be able to do it for yourself.” This is calling on the “growing-up” side of your child, giving her a way to feel less little and helpless, to take charge of herself and move on to try new things and make new friends.

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